Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
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I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog