My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
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If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”