[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
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I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.