Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
You Might Also Like
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Breaking news:
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.