Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
You Might Also Like
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.