when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
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emergency phone
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
“HELP WITH CAT”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?