Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
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crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Need this in my life lol
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Friday night party time 🥳
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
He wanted to make sure😂
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.