If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
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big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
B
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
But is it really??
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying