Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
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– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.