[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it