You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
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me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts