the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
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It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call