My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
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This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Canadian owl: Eh?
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.