(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
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3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Did my cat write this
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”