I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
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If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999