Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
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Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
wtf is an acronym
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.