I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
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I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no