My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
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Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
*feels the wind in my toe hair
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out