“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
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Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Hey i am sexy to you now