Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
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boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
My dating profile:
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree