*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
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Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Bootstraps
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.