So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
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Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
what’s really going on
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”