Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
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Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
those birds must be on payroll
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record