“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
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Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency