monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
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When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.