4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
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when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Me sliding into hell like
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies