If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
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If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.