[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
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And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I just tested negative for patience.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
wtf is a larm clock?