Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
You Might Also Like
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.