Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
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me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: arenβt you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
[job interview]
Boss: Whatβs this 3 year gap in your rΓ©sumΓ©?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says βninja-ing.β I donβt understβ
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* Youβre hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie heβll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting π₯°
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the βsmelly guyβ is at my work, and when I said we donβt have one she said, βthen itβs probably youβ.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Iβd grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
The writer is someone who decides school wasnβt enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS