* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
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Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Me buying fruit and veg
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
HELP 😭
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Who comes up with this kinda stuff