i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
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*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.