[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
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Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Mornin
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.