me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
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Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
When I laugh on my period
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Risking my life for fun.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician