I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
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“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Haha! 😂