Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
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Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no