Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
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My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party