WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
You Might Also Like
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.