Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
You Might Also Like
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
💁🏻♂️
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”