“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
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Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”