I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
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Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
why I oughta
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
dutch so unserious
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.