Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
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I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Cake safety first. Always.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I saw nothing
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.