To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
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I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Breaking news:
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine