SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
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Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11