Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
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My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Sunday
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired