ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
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My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Hmmmmm