He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
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amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
But that’s none of my business
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Breaking news:
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair