Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
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*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny