Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
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I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.