Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
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When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
WTF IS THAT!
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”